Hinduism and cow urine dung

As we all know,Hinduism is incomplete without "cow". They respect cows more than their mothers,worship them above all Lords, eat cow-dung and drink cow urine for 'health values' and 'spiritual enhancement'. Why do they do that? We don't know. Nobody knows. They just do it,those brainless drones are taught this since the day they were born.They say cow's urine can cure AIDS. I bet. =D How do we know they're for real? Let's list a few articles .


1)A bottle of cow-urine:- Sacred gift from God

Hindus plan cow urine drink to rival Western sodas
Link- http://in.reuters.com/article/companyNews/idINDEL43615120090212

NEW DELHI, Feb 12 ,2009 - A hardline Hindu organisation, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, often seen as sacred in parts of India.

The Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), or National Volunteer Corps, said the bovine beverage is undergoing laboratory tests for the next 2 to 3 months but did not give a specific date for its commercial release.

The flavour is not yet known, but the RSS said the liquid produced by Hinduism's revered holy cows is being mixed with products such as aloe vera and gooseberry to fight diseases such as diabetes and cancer.

Many Hindus consider cow urine to have medicinal properties and it is often drunk in religious festivals.

"Cow urine offers a cure for around 70 to 80 incurable diseases like diabetes. All are curable by cow urine," Om Prakash, the head of the RSS Cow Protection Department, told Reuters by phone.

Prakash, who is based in Hardwar, one of four holy Hindu cities on the river Ganges where the world's largest religious gathering takes place, said the product will be sold nationwide but did not rule out international success.

2)From Mahabharata
One should never feel any repugnance for the urine and the dung of the cow. One should never show any disregard for cows in any way. If evil dreams are seen, men should take the names of cows. One should never obstruct cows in any way. Cows are the mothers of both the Past and the Future. Every morning, people should bow with reverence unto cows. Cows are sacred. They are the foremost of all things in the world. They are verily the refuge of the universe. They are the mothers of the very deities. They are verily incomparable. Cows are the mothers of the universe.* There is no gift more sacred than the gift of cows. There is no gift that produces more blessed merit. [From the Mahabharata, Anusasana Parva, Sections LXXXIII - LXXVII - LXXVI]





3)Testimony of a Hindu zombie, taken from Orkut

Cow urine - experience
I take cow urine (20ml) and panchagavya (made from cow's dung and urine) soap everyday for the last 8 months. My experience is 1. Motion has improved and now is very clear 2. I had rashes on palm since several years which I was ignoring. Now, the rashes have totally disappeared. It is necessary to share such experiences for others benifit.Not only physically but it has also changed me spiritually......I also use soap and tooth powder made of cow dung and cow urine VANDE GOW MATHARAM







4)cow's urine shave lotion


Alongside life-size posters of Hindu nationalist leaders, Indian political activists can now buy lotions, potions and pills to cure anything from cancer to hysteria to piles - all made from cow urine or dung.
A new goratna (cow products) stall at the Bharatiya Janata Party’s (BJP) souvenir shop is rapidly outselling dry political tracts, badges, flags and saffron-and-green plastic wall clocks with the face of former prime minister Atal Behari Vajpayee.
“You won’t believe how quickly some of the products sold out,” Manoj Kumar, who runs the souvenir shop along with his brother, Sanjeev, said.
“The constipation medicine is a hot seller.”
But the biggest seller is a “multi-utility pill” that claims to cure anything from diabetes to piles to “ladies’ diseases”.
Who would have ever suspected that cow piss could be used to garner votes? If U.S. politicians ever find out…



5)Another Hindu zombie flips his wings
Cow urine is believed to have therapeutic value. From time immemorial, we have the practice of mopping the floors (clay buildings) in our villages with cow dung. Even today, we have the practice of sprinkling water dispersed with cow dung at the entrance of our houses and the belief is that it repels microbes from entering into the house. On religious occasions (ceremonial occasions), our grandparents use to rinse the utensils with the diluted cow dung solution/dispersion.
All these suggest that our forefathers believed that cow dung has anti-microbial effect and cow urine works as a purifier. It is even believed that textiles especially the new ones treated with the ashes of cow dung before they are worn for the first time would have a beneficial effect, probably a hygiene benefit.


BDV-604063-BDV

The Glorious Rakshasas: A forgotten Race

Rakshasas, in the present days, is more or less synonymous with the term "demon", "beast" or "man-eaters", but this is only because of the thousands of years of propaganda spread by those who were anti-Rakshasas and who wanted to invade their lands in India. Rakshasas have a bad name among the Indians in the present times mostly because of the false mythological stories of Ramayana and Mahabharata. These epics portrayed the Rakshasas as an evil race which should perpetually be eliminated by the Indo-Aryans who wanted to spread their influence and power all over India. Nothing could be far from truth. As is known, history is written by the winners; and in this case, the winners were the Indo-Aryan tribes who migrated from Central Asia. After gaining power and influence they started, like in every case of invasion, to impose their language, religion and culture. It was because of this that the Rakshasas ended up having a negative image amongst the masses. But still, this is not necessarily true everywhere in India. There are some tribes in India which worship Ravan, the famous king of Rakshasas; and the same tribe is known for cherishing a hatred towards the Ramayana hero Rama. In fact, the original Ramayana written by Valmiki, itself doesn't portray the Rakshasas in completely dark light, and this book had also glorified the wealth and knowledge of the Rakshasas which the Indo-Aryans envied thoroughly.

I am writing this article the remove the shade of darkness that has descended over the glorious Rakshasa race because of the vicious disinformation campaign of the masses by the ruling classes since thousands of years. Firstly, from a common sense point of view itself, it can be shown that Ravan, the Rakshasa king, was far more virtuous than the epic hero Rama. Ravan was supposed to have kidnapped Sita while Ram, Sita and Laxman (Rama's brother) had retreated to the jungles. Ravan kept Sita for several years in his kingdom and he had all the power on Earth to take advantage of her (she was described as very beautiful even by Ravan). But he never did so; he never laid a single finger on her. On the other hand, Rama, the husband of Sita, was so insecure about his own image and had lacked a trust in his own wife that he banished her from his kindgom just to please some random subject of his. So, who is more virtuous? Of course, Ravan.


Now, I am going to write down the views of leading historians about Rakshasas. The motive is to show that (i) Rakshasas were not some supernatural beasts who used to eat human beings, but were themselves a native tribe of India, and (ii) Rakshasas were virtuous and glorious unlike the evil image that has been imposed on them by their enemies.

1. This is from the book "Somanatha" by leading Indian historian Romila Thapar:-

"He terms such people as barbaras/barbarians, yatudhanas/sorcerers, rakshasas and daityas/demons, and asuras. The rakshasas are said to have destroyed the temple of Svayambhurudramahakala at Shristhala. Jayasimha captures the culprit whose wife then pleads for his life and, on being released, he becomes a devoted follower of the king. These may have been people outside caste society whose land had been encroached upon and were resisting the encroachment."

[Somanatha, Thapar, Pg 107-108]

2. This is from the book "A Socio-political Study of the Valmiki Ramayana" by Ramashraya Sharma. This author has a complete chapter dedicated to Rakshasas ("The Non-Aryan people of the South").:-

"The Rakshasas belonging to the other group (viz. of Rakshasas by birth) are essentially human beings, in spite of the cloak of monstrosity and barbaric splendour imposed on them by an Aryan poet describing the culture and achievements of a hostile people. The origin of these people is to be traced to Salakatankata who is in all probability a personification of night. One important respect in which these Rakshasas are to be distinguished from the Aryans (and all other people of the Ramayana) is the 'matrilinear character' of their family life."

["A Socio-Political Study of Valmiki Ramayana", Ramashraya Sharma, Pg 217]

The author's remark is significant here because he describes the indigenous peoples of India as being matrilineal in their family life. Indo-Aryans were patrilineal since the beginning of their times, as opposed to all the native Indian peoples like Nagas, Rakshasas, Asuras etc.
The author remarks somewhere else:-

"The Rakshasas of the Ramayanic period were not only a mighty political power, but even in respect of their material wealth they were the most advanced of their times.. The abundance of gold, silver and other jewels such as sapphire, coral, pearl, diamond and ruby in the description of the town Lanka, gives in a way, the popular imagination every right to hold that the town was all made up of gold"

One can contrast the above description of the Rakshasas' opulent civilization to that of the Dasyus as described in the Rig Veda. They are also described as being highly civilized with a lot of material wealth stored among them. 'Dasyu' refers to all the non-Aryan native Indian tribes of ancient India. Therefore, Rakshasas were just one of these tribes.

Later he writes:-

"The poet aptly characterizes the Rakshasas at one place as men "predominated by intellect. One observes that as a corollary of this predominance of the intellect the Rakshasas pursued naked sensualism."

The overall chapter is a good read for anyone interested to know more about Rakshasas' as per the author's analysis. Not all of his conclusions need to be true however. I particularly disagree with his inferences about the religion of the Rakshasas.

3. Even in the Valmiki's Ramayana (which is supposed to be the original version of the epic), there is an instant where even Sita pleads for the innocent Rakshasas whom the hero Ram swears to annihilate (for no reason at all).:-

.... you are alarmingly close that sinful state to which the
ignorant are prone.... that is, killing a creature who has not
committed any offence.... O hero, my prayer is that when armed
with the bow, you are engaged in waging war against the
rakshasas, who have this forest for their home, you may never
allow yourself to slay indiscriminately those who are not to
blame." But Rama, in reply makes it clear that his killing of
the rakshaas including the rakshasa queen Tataka, is out of a
vow made to the Brahmans of the Dandakaranya forest, and thus
as part of a protection of caste hierarchy. (9)

(9.) Gail Omvedt, Dalit Visions, Orient Longman, Delhi, 2006, p.95.

From the above excerpt from Valmiki's Ramayana, it is clear that Sita had a soft heart for the Rakshasas whom his hero Rama was mercilessly killing. Another point to note is the use "you are engaged in waging war against the rakshasas, who have this forest for their home", by Sita, which shows the invasion of Rakshasa territory by the Indo-Aryan tribes.

These were only a few scholarly works by many prominent researchers of history that showed the true reality of Rakshasas; how they were being invaded by the violent Indo-Aryans and how they were being branded as evil. Perhaps Valmiki Ramayana was simply an account of the invasions by theses Central Asian tribes onto the territory of the glorious Rakshasas. As of now, there has been very little research done in this field, as, unfortunately, most of the historians are biased towards the Hindu (thus Ram) side of the story; but I am pretty sure that a deep research on Rakshasas would reveal more about the glory of the great Rakshasas.

Towards the Turning Point of Mankind : Doomsday

____________________Doomsday---A reality or fiction?

Yes folks, you read the title correctly; it does have to do with the most hated topic ever - "Doomsday". I am a new blogger here and naturally I intend begin with brief introduction to myself and to elucidate the subject of my subsequent posts from now on. As the title of this post suggest, I am a "Doomer" or a "Doomsdayer", who are a very hated minority in this world. In reality, there are many kinds of doomers; some believe in religious prophecies and wait for an ultimate day of doom, others look in the evolution of mankind or Earth or universe to reach a final conclusion, which is common to all the doomers, that eventually there will be a time when "the world as we understand will eventually end". Being a doomer is not always bad. The doomers are people who usually have a very good observation and a sharp analytical skill. It is wrong to say that doomers are pessimists, which might be true in many cases and might be wrong in others. Some doomers could be the most optimistic people ever on Earth (seriously!). Being a doomer, one is ever aware of of the dangers that surround him/her in everyday life, in everyday activities. To give an analogy, consider a man who is going inside a heavy engineering factory. A normal man would just move inside and do his business. A doomer would first think of the dangers inside, like the heavy equipment attached to the roof which could fall (and the doomer would be prepared to move aside if that happens) or the intense sparks coming from a welding process nearby etc. He would analyze the possible dangers and in advance think of its solutions. Like a cat, a doomer is always vigilant of the world and its conspiracies. Of course, normal people wouldn't want to "waste so much time" and would rather be moving around normally or while dreaming. I am not saying that there are disadvantages, but those are few compared to its advantages. I am a rational "doomer" (at least I think so) who observes the events of the worlds and tries to find the direction where the world is moving to. In other words, you can call me a trends analyst. I analyze the trends of the world and draw conclusions from it in the form of the next course of events.

And since the last few years, I am looking at a not very positive future according to the trends of the world. The changes in the world are accelerating, chaos is increasing, world population is rapidly moving towards its sustainable limits, crime is increasing, weather is deteriorating and the political scenario is again movie tense. Of course, everyone knows about the disastrous events of 2008 - Chinese Earthquake, Terrorist attacks in many places (including Mumbai), Hurricanes in USA, the Financial Collapse of the USA etc etc. It was certainly a disastrous year, but more is to come (unfortunately) this year and subsequently. Of course, these things have been happening since ages - these calamities, wars and other misfortunes of the world - but only in the recent times have all these been happening with so much succession and all at once. They say when disaster strikes, it strikes from all directions.

The most popular doomsday date is given by the ancient Mayan prophecies, as many of you must already be aware of, to be 21st December 2012. The ancient Mayans were a very advanced civilization of the Central America, and are still a mystery because very little is known about them even now. But from recent research it has been confirmed that their knowledge of astronomy was the most advanced of their times and perhaps even the current times. They had a very long calendar comprising of around 26,000 years which is going to end on 21st Dec 2012 (or 23rd according to other calculations). This is interpreted by many western researchers of Mayan civilization as the prophetic date when the "world is going to end" (you can interpret this phrase in your own ways). Some remote Mayan elders like Don Alejandro Cirilo Perez Oxlaj (Wandering Wolf) and many others have been lecturing American public about the "shift of ages" that has been foretold by many of his elders and passed from generations to generations. Then there are other native American Indians from the North America who speak of great changes that are going to come (and which are disastrous); Refer to this








The Aztecs and the Incas are also other American civilizations that had prophesized an end of the world.
There was man called Terrence Mckenna who studied the Chinese "Book of changes" called I-Ching . This is supposed to be an ancient Chinese book of divination which can make prophecies and predict future, and is supposed to be around 4000 years old. Terrence Mckenna wrote a computer program from the sequence of 64 Hexagrams of I-Ching, and his results were completely astonishing. His results were in the form of a graph with time axis on the horizontal axis and a "random" unit on the vertical axis which showed the intensity of world events. According to this result, the graph converged to zero near the Mayan end time. He interpreted this as the time when the world should end. Of course, these methods are open to scrutiny and one need not believe in them directly. There is a third source which predicts doomsday - the webbot project. Web bot is a program that was designed in the early 90s by some geeks which was supposed to predict the stock trends intially. The exact reasoning behind their code can be seen in www.halpasthuman.com. Later they started noticing that their code was predicting much more than stock trends, which also encouraged them to enhance their code to predict future events. They call themselves "Time monks" and according to their recent finding, 2012 would be a very very disastrous year. You can read more about their methods in their website.

These were the conventional doomsday theories and there are many more including some very ludicrous and preposterous ones. But I do not necessarily believe in that, being a rationalist as I am. I believe that the world will certainly move through a turning point which would change the course of mankind (perhaps in a disastrous way), and this need not happen in 2012; but certainly in the near future. The recent trends that have been catching most of my attention is the financial collapse of America and its after effects in the global economy. It has already led to very dire consequence in many places; like the government of Ireland has been overthrown; Bulgaria, Hungary, Latvia etc are just other countries which have more or less collapsed and have civil unrest going on there at the moment. There are many people who are predicting a catastrophic great depression in the near future. Among the most prominent ones who predict such collapse of global economy are Gerald Celente (founder of Trends Research Institute), Peter Schiff (economist), Max Keiser, Marc Faber and Ron Paul to name just a few. Gerald Celente is a very important trends forecaster. He has been in this trends business since more than two decades and has a very brilliant track record of predicting in advance such big events like the collapse of Soviet Union, dot com bubble, recession of 90-91 etc among others. And his predictions happen to be the most dire ones too. He says "by 2012 USA will be an underdeveloped country". Peter Schiff is a respectable economist who predicted this financial collapse well in advance in 2006 when other economists were laughing at him during TV debates in the US. Gerald Celente had also already predicted this financial collapse a few years ago. Last month he had said in a famous TV interview that there are going to be food revolutions, tax revolutions etc, in the US soon.

One thing is for sure, this recession (which is actually a depression already) is very serious and is being underplayed by the mainstream media everywhere. No one reporting the immense number of job losses everywhere in the world, the collapse of industries etc. Corruption has crept in everywhere and the class differences have also been widening since the last few years now. I go with Gerald Celente, who predicts that soon there is going to be a revolution in America against the government, which, according to him, is turning fascist. Just for fun, there is a political scientist in Russia called Igor Panarin who is even predicting the disintegration of USA into different republics just like the disintegration of USSR that happened decades ago! Certainly, the economic situation is very tense and though it will very likely fall more and more in the near future, I hope that it doesn't, and gets back to the progressive track again.

Now coming to the last and most important field of events related to environment and weather. Natural calamities, as every vigilant earthling must be aware of , have been more rapid since the last few years. In this year itself, there had been Australian wildfires, Italian Earthquake, Storm and Tornadoes in the USA (yesterday) etc etc. It seems as though the Earth is reacting to something. If it wasn't enough, a few weeks ago there have been two instances on which big asteroids just nearly missed hitting earth by a mere 60,000 KM! It seems that even the heavens are angry at us for some reason! Besides these, there has been global warming and the melting of ice caps in Antartica and Artic. Astronomers and Solar physicists from around the world have already concluded the the Sun is the "quietest" at the moment and will be most active at around 2011-12. Sun's activity is measure in terms of its storms, and in the present times there are no sun storms. But since these storms move into cycles of 11 years, their peak will certainly come after a few years. NASA has confirmed about these Solar storms which are going to peak in the 2011-12 time frame. Lets hope the Earth becomes a quiet place once again and we never have to face such disastrous calamaties in future.


It was nice writing this article and I can assure you that if I were to include all the disaster events and scenarios, this post would have gone till hundreds of pages. There are just too many things going on on Earth now! But I am happy that I have cautioned many people by this article. And in future I am going to update this blog with my reflections of the trends and current events that are going on in this world.

Stupid Hindu Gods: part 1

Religions--opium of masses,source of morals,path to salvation or mere warmonger ramblings? Well we don't know for sure.What we know for certain is that Hindu mythologists cracked up some really weird and funny stories in their scriptures. I am not against beliefs of any religion and so my posts should not offend any religious person.

Let's talk about Hinduism. The 'popular Hinduism' boils down to one word -'GodS'. There are 'exactly' 330 million Gods in Hinduism. The only religion where number of Gods outweigh number of followers. Some Hindus claim that ancient Indians had a very advanced mathematical system,that's why they could count a number that high. The 'Gods' can include anything from ant to an elephant. Like a vulture preys on anything that doesn't move, a Hindu prays to anything that does. When you write too much and too often,it's very probable that you'll come up with something ludicrous. None of what I write here is my imagination,it's all written in their scriptures

Lord Shiva-
Oh boy,just look at him! This guy is a 'thick' God. He is blue,he has moon on his forehead,a snake around his neck and he is high on 'bhaang' (a local cheap narcotic) all the time. His 'third eye' makes me suspicious about his gender. They say his blue body is the blue sky that we see. You can't blame Hindus for not knowing about Rayleigh scattering. Shiva is cool till you worship him,otherwise you're in hot water.

Incident 1---

Goddess Parvati,wife of Shiva,was taking bath in the snow mountains of Kailash.She had loads of crap on her body (all came from shiva),so she just removed it and made a kid out of that. A kid made of dirt and crap. It wasn't just a statue of a kid, it was a LIVE kid. Parvati had the power to bring life to a pile of crap,she was a goddess. She called the boy 'Ganesha',asked him to watch out and make sure that noone enters the mountain while she was taking bath.Ganesha had the highest sense of duty and morals,although he was born only a few seconds ago. So the newly born Ganesha was standing at the gate, to stop anyone from entering . After a few moments,Lord Shiva arrives, very angry and high on bhaang as usual.


Ganesha:- You may go no further,your highness.

Shiva:- What the ......Who are you to deny my passage?

Ganesha:- Mother parvati is taking bath inside.

Shiva:- That gives even more reasons to go inside.

Ganesha:- You may have to wait for that pleasure,sir.

Shiva:- Get off my way,kiddo. Enough of your duty today.

Ganesha:-(Pointing towards an ice-seat) there. Sit and wait.

Shiva:-You don't know me sonny, do you? I'm the furious one who controls death on the earth,known for temper,rage,wrath and vengeance. It chills their bones just to think about not worshiping me properly, and you piece of crap have the balls to stop me from entering into my own goddamned house? Apologize now,and I may spare your low-life.

Ganesha:- That attitude wouldn't solve anything sir. Have some Bhaang and calm down.

Shiva:- You mother*beep*ing son of a *beeep*.....

Ganesha:-A lord isn't supposed to talk like this.

Shiva:- Shut up now,I'm telling you,shut up now f*ckface...

Ganesha:- Must you use such words?

Shiva:- THAT'S IT DICKHEAD!

Shiva,who by now was royally pissed,couldn't take it any further. Shiva raised his Trishool and Ganesha's head was gone in a flash.



Parvati upon hearing the noise, rushed out to see what happened. Couldn't see Ganesha, called out for him, loudly.
Parvati:- Where is Ganesha?

A Gana(servant):- He's lost his head, motha. He can't hear nuthin.

Parvati:- Lost mind you mean? Like his father?

Gana:- But ain't got no fatha, and you're the motha...

Parvati:- We'll have time for this asschat. Tell me where is Ganesha.

Gana:- Boss cut off his head motha.

Parvati: DAMN YOU JUNKIE!

Parvati got extremely angry. She was the goddess of power,her wrath was even more ferocious than Shiva's. That's all Hindu Gods were good at.

Shiva:- Calm down honey,he was just a pile of crap. We can make another one like him.

Parvati:- I want my Ganesha back ,do you hear it? Why did you kill a child you bitchass punk?

Shiva:- I had no idea he was dear to you.

Parvati: Now you know. I want Ganesha back,or else I will destroy the world.



Shiva had no choice but to get Ganesha's head back on the trunk. He went out to find a newly born kid, to cut off his head and put it on Ganesha's neck. Didn't find a kid quickly,and Parvati was about to destroy the world.Shiva saw a baby elephant,born a few moment ago. Having no other choice,he cut off head of the elephant,put it on Ganesha's shoulders and brought life back to him.

Point 1:- Have you ever seen a GOD killing an innocent child for performing his duty? No? Welcome to Hinduism,the commune of idiotic Gods. Mind you, I didn't make this up. This is all written in their scriptures.

Point 2:---When Parvati could give life to statue made of crap, it wouldn't be impossible for her to give life to Ganesha once AGAIN, would it? How about making a head of dirt and crap once again, put it on Ganesha's body and then give life to it? Oh never mind, how would Parvati or anyone else know about it..

Point 3:- As if killing one child wasn't enough, Lord Shiva goes out to find another infant,to kill him and take his head. This is too much. Once again,how about making a head of dirt and crap once again, put it on Ganesha's body and then give life to it? They were all massive idiots weren't they?

Point 4:- I'm sorry ,but I am a wildlife lover and Lord Shiva just demonstrated a severe case of animal cruelity.You can't just kill a real animal for a 'pile of crap' boy.Lord Shiva therefore loses all marks.


Incident 2 will be about Shiva and his gay friend Vishnu

Kiss hank's ass. :- For an atheist

Courtesy:- James Huber

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.